I realize, now at the age of 26, I have always felt that I’m the “wrong” age.
As a young girl, I felt like I was too old to sit at the kids table yet too young to sit with the adults. As a teenager, I felt like I was too young to have a voice in adult conversation, yet too old to act like a kid. These situations are innumerable, and now I realize they all come from the same place — the feeling that I don’t belong.
As I sit at a table in this cute diner where I just finished breakfast, I write about this feeling in my journal and my pen guides me to write, bigger than the rest —
I think this “wrong age” phenomenon of a feeling is rooted in the destination delusion — always waiting to arrive somewhere, just not here, not now. It’s so rare that I (my ego?) give myself permission to just be. To be truly happy and fulfilled in the now. The moments that I do allow this, feel like fleeting moments of enlightenment.
I believe there is a direct correlation between mindfulness and self-acceptance. If I can allow myself to truly be immersed in the present moment, how could I doubt that I belong? Instead of waiting to become something, that will then give me permission to belong, I can be in the moment and just, belong.
Thank you to Emily Nagoski and her life-changing novel, Come As You Are, I have recently began to understand what stress is, the cycle of stress, and what it takes to complete the cycle and become free from said stressor. The feelings of “I am at risk”, “I am broken”, and “I am lost” are all feelings that will trigger the stress response. You know what the opposite of the feeling “I am lost” is?
Let me stare my stress about tomorrow, about who I should be, or about what I should be doing in the face and say, calmly, “I belong”.
Let’s belong together.